Through the nose, mouth closed, exhale long, and say less than you want to. Couples argue on the inhale; the first person to exhale usually ends it sooner. If your heart is over about a hundred, you are flooded and nothing good is going to come out; say so, take twenty minutes apart, breathe at six a minute, and come back. The Conversation room has the full version.
The steps
- Notice the flood: hot face, fast heart, the urge to interrupt. That is your cue, not theirs.
- Mouth closed. Exhale long through the nose while they talk.
- Shortest true sentence. Started on an exhale.
- If flooded: I need twenty minutes. Not storming out; announcing a break, with a return time.
- Twenty minutes of six breaths a minute, alone, no rehearsing the argument.
- Come back on time. First sentence on an exhale.
When not to, and when to get help instead
If arguments frighten you or turn physical, breathing is not the tool; safety and help are. In the U.S., 1-800-799-7233. If the same argument recurs for years, a couples therapist is not a failure; it is a mechanic.
What the research says
The twenty-minute break at physiological flooding comes from John Gottman’s couples research, which found that above roughly a hundred beats a minute people cannot take in new information. Slow exhale breathing lowers heart rate within minutes. The rest is craft from a great many takes that went badly.
Other methods people use
Agreeing the break rule in advance, when calm. Writing before speaking for the big ones. A therapist for the pattern. The breath is for tonight.
Questions people also ask
Why can't I think straight during an argument?
Above about a hundred beats a minute you are flooded, and reasoning goes offline. Breathe out long, ask for twenty minutes, and come back when the heart has slowed.
Is walking away from an argument healthy?
Announcing a break with a return time is healthy and well supported. Storming out without one is not. The difference is the sentence you say on the way.
In the book
Techniques
Rooms
Two rules, no exceptions
Never practice any technique on this site while you are driving, operating machinery, or doing anything that needs your full attention. The slow ones can make you drowsy, faster than you’d expect. And never practice a breath-hold, bellows breath, or any vigorous breathing in or near water. Read Before you begin for the doctor’s list and the rest.
More in “Life”
- Is there a breathing practice for grief?
- What breathing helps new parents at 3 a.m. with a crying baby?
- How do I breathe through money stress and bad financial news?
- How do I teach a child to calm down with breathing?
Written by Eric Bradley. Last reviewed October 2026. One performer’s craft, offered for general information; not medical advice, mental health treatment, or a substitute for care.